what is coming, what has happened Fact or Fiction (time will tell)

1st sitting of 3 Pretty much wrote continuously, will be re-writing it hop you enjoy.

THE UNIVERSAL SET UP

Part 1

My reasons for writing this happen to be due to a few polar reasons, 1st on being I needed to get it down and out and 2nd I believe everyone deserves to know. This isn’t going to be best written as I'm not a writer, I'm someone whose experience I believe can help other people start looking at themselves in a new light which in turn means you view others differently. My ultimate goal is world peace not just with each other, with nature too, and for everyone to forget they are “only human” and start to see how much more you guys are capable of.

While reading this id like you to keep an open mind to the idea that everything you’ve ever been told is a lie, where we came from to what we can do. The reason I say this is how would you know the difference its all you know, all you have easy access to is things that reinforce this. Let us imagine for a second that Babylon never left and the people in charge of that were in charge of the Weston civilization and other nations government officials, all they wanted was to control the people so they could make money off them, more people more money. So they made Christianity the only legal religion, they said we were on a globe having never been into space, they made schools so they never ran out of workers, killed Jesus because he was a human that realized we are all gods and tapped into it, once he was killed they make it sound like he was the only one he was trying to show us we are all capable if we give ourselves.

Now I know some people have a problem with religion, I don’t think it should exist, I have spent my life formulating my own beliefs rather than letting people tell me what's right. With religion, they have all got aspects on the money but others so far away, so they can all get you wound up about who’s right. Read them all they are all similar so take the bits that meet and ignore the rest I guess.

It was this kind of way of thinking that led me to do what I ended up being able to do, if I was you, to help you understand my process of understanding I think you would get something from “the man who knew infinity” as my answers came very similarly.

So what is this book, this book is about setting you free from the bullshit and helping you find the literal superhero in you?

Everything in existence is made from the same thing, this thing is energy, the patterns people see when high are lines that these energies travel along. The energies are traveling so fast the objects they make up appear solid when they are mainly just air, this energy makes up the cells, and as everyone knows cells communicate which means so do these energies. Now, this energy makes up everything in this physical reality, this is what the true God is the one above all if you like. We are part of his body, all made of the same stuff, we are connected to everything through this.

Now the stories of god and where they come from, essentially we were made by someone for their use. He was supposed to make us without genitals etc so we died off when they were done… however he wanted to have his kingdom and saw the earth as his canvas, life already existed but not us. So he used himself to make us in his image, once his kind found out what was occurring something kicked off that essentially ended up in our souls being trapped to this one plain of existence until we learned how to love.

The reason they did this is because they saw conflict within us meaning we weren’t pure, we have bad thoughts as well as good ones but we are too easily corrupted so we didn’t corrupt anything else they trapped us here to live in infinity until we learned our lessons. What people don’t understand is that you have to learn them in one lifetime, with true pure selfless intention which isn’t encouraged Nowadays, basically when you die you deal with lessons of this life you were given, if you passed them down here you move on in death. The idea of it is that there are certain levels you pass through when dying if you latch on to any level you get stuck there and reincarnated until you learn what you’re supposed to.

So that person who I said created us, he’s what you would call the devil/ prince of earth. When whatever happened his father another one of his kind we will call Nephilim to save confusion, as they live for the one above all he saw that satan his son chose was, greed, pride, etc over peace so he cast him back down to the place he’d already started to tamper with (earth) along with us because we were just as corrupt due to guidance received, please note anyone who follows him, they are not wrong for doing so it's merely a preference they will believe they are doing it for the right reasons as I do. Really it's just two sides of people/life/energy that will always be there but in ever-changing proportions to one another, it's what keeps the cycle moving. he selected or had few people with him who knew the knowledge of what happened, so they could help him build the empire he wanted they have their ways of contacting them, this group of people are the elite, the ones some people don’t believe in or call the Illuminati. Not all of them, I'm talking about the people the bosses at the top of it, the ones passing the knowledge these are satans direct contacts.

The earth is flat, space is a reflection of ourselves, imagine the surface of the earth as your eye, all it sees are reflections, reflections of both light and self. By merely observing something you are changing it because you are putting your self on to it as you do with everything, you understand people and things the same way you understand yourself. That's how you start to understand people because what they tend to notice about others are things that they notice about themselves. This goes deep further you look more you find. Honestly rather than looking out for answers lookout for subjects then inside for the answers. An additional way to explain is until the telescope existed that part of ourselves didn’t exist because we couldn’t see it didn’t need to, the further we look the more it has to move away. Similar to us trying to look at the back of our head it moves away in perfect unison. What happens in the stars/heavens I mean the subject of the stories, happens on earth that's how the Mayans were able to predict the coming catastrophe this year (2012.) how crazy would you think I was if I told you it's not 2020 it's 1actually 2012 now? You don’t have to believe me but I believe it makes sense they get to see how people would react so they know how to handle the people when it comes, if you don’t think it possible that's fair I admit its a little far fetched that when the new calendar was written they knew this was coming and set out the calendar so it would appear to come before it meant form what I gathered the Anno Domini and Before Christ was something that just started to get used one of the earliest uses of it was from a monk in 525 AD apparently by a gent called Dionysius Exiguus. I don’t know if this is true all I'm saying is that for all I know its possible because it was back when nobody was alive so who’s gonna remember if it wasn’t documented and who’s to say it was documented correctly, it could have been documented with the intention of people forgetting the truth.

When the Mayans were writing about the event that's supposed to have occurred back in the supposed 2012, that event happens around every 5200 years. My intuition told me it was to do with something aligning like stars or something, so I did some research and found that the 8 planets align this year and the planet alignments happen around every 5200 years as well. The fact that some Sumerian calendars are stating it's 2012, along with what I've been told and shown what's coming then the added fact that all the planets are to align this year. I guess you could also use the fact that the tree huggers are saying there a mass awakening coming this year. It all seems a little too coincidental for me. As we all know the Mayans did all the predictions from the stars as the heavens reflect our plane, IS IT PROPHECY?

So how did I become a person who believes this crazy stuff?

It started where most people story starts when they were born. Apparently, it was pretty average stuff, wrapped up in obeliscal cord nothing not seen before. Although I did spend the first year of my life in a hostel as my family weren’t giving my parents any handouts, I imagine they weren’t too happy about them having me. Fast-forwarding my younger life from what I remember was fun, I lived on a council estate called broomwood near Wythenshawe. To put it into perspective there were children in my primary selling drugs to some parents, I was bullied for a couple of years before fighting back they then became some of my childhood best friends. When I hit the age of four my dad took his own life but with me being so young up until the age of 12 or 13 I thought he just died. This is the point at four years old that set me on the path to what's occurring now, my mum is a very different character who had a lot of hardship in her life up to that point in her life but that's for her book. So from a young age, my mum treated me as an adult, trusting me with problems, opinions, guidance, and support. I remember a while after he moved on I wasn’t getting much of my mums time due to her working lots to cover bills, I made her ware I'm missing her so she gave me the choice of I can have everything I wanted material-wise and not have much of mums time or I can have all of her time and we become really poor. I didn’t realize until I really looked back but this point shows both sides of myself, my true nature showing what I believed mattered when I was pure, that “pure” decision set me on the path to becoming a materialized craving little shit yet it came from the “purest “ of places and was still corrupt. Even though I had the answer it took me getting as far as I could away from it to realize it's where I should have been all along.

It was just us two for a while over the next few years I would grow up the only way I know how just doing things that felt right, tried some gay stuff at a super young age maybe 6, then again at maybe 8 or something along with other things that people wouldn’t agree of. Looking back on all these moments I started to realize that I was this way all the time but due to fears, for example, being judged you repress them and change focus to become someone you aren’t, only to realize at 40 and have a midlife crisis. So as most people did and still do leave that in the past as it didn’t seem normal by other people's standards, so I thought maybe it was wrong. The outlook I have now is that absolutely everyone doesn’t have a preference it's what you’re feeling in the moment, I think if you were open-minded to the experience and it was the personality of someone you hit it off with I think you’d give it a go. I believe it's the fear society puts on these “taboo” things that stops people from doing it.

The film 300 is arguable the pinnacle of “manhood”, and even them the spartan warriors thought absolutely nothing of having sex with the same gender it was as normal for them as having sex with their wives so it wasn’t really thought about as something that wasn’t natural, the moment you label it you attach a stigma or a reason someone can’t be that and something else as it brings a need for attachment or detachment, the issue with labels is that it forces people to ask for justifications of why. Why not just let people be and don’t define things that don’t need defining, sometimes I wake up and don’t feel like doing much, and other times I can wake up and instantly be focused on what I need to do.does this make me lazy no it makes me human as I said everything works in constant waves you will never be feeling the exact same way day today so why try to go with it. My way of looking at it is lazy days and doing days, I don’t plan them I wake up and see which one is happening lazy days I might just draw a lot maybe have a doob read, listen, meditate, watch a movie even if I'm working on one of these days my work I don’t feel like I'm working as I don’t try I just do what is asked if it comes it comes if not then I did what I was supposed to I take comfort in that, this way I never take work anywhere else with me, it allows me to remain present as I'm not lost thinking about what I haven’t done or what tomorrow requires does me. these are all acts of doing but not but there's no trying or hard work engaged on my other days I will remain clean no weed and be very active, might go climbing, go out with the Mrs or friends, start writing, again drawing and meditating but because him in a different space new things come. I will be a lot more excited some people think I do cocaine on these days but I have only ever done it once and truthfully made me feel no different, I stay up for days without sleep or drugs, drugs bring something out of you that's already there. Don’t overthink it or try and attach a label to it, it just is don’t feel obligated to be a certain way because you define as it forget about that and go with what you feel today. When you label things you separate them giving them their own category making it easy to loose yourself in a box, whereas it's, all the same, it's all you. We repress our inner thoughts that may not be “socially acceptable”, so we conform to other people's ideas of what people should be like. All thoughts are normal, no matter what they are. Please note not all thoughts should be acted on, but its really a call sign for a question you should be asking, please note that for that “negative” thought to exist on your head the polar opposite must also be available for you to access, so start asking how did I get to this, what did I do, what did that mean at the time, what does it mean to me know, did it lead to anything, you are looking for the things that change your perspective on the little things that make up that evaluation so by the time you go back to it the opposite is next door so you know have access to both its a matter of choice. To explain this from a different perspective think of everything in balance/ opposites for example black and white, night and day yin & yang - the point I'm making is that with everything that exists even things we don’t know about work in pairs so in order for one thing to exist for example a dark outcome from a series of events that have occurred in your life you are there result, so in order for you to exist there must be the possibility of those same events happening to someone but the opposite paired outcome instead, once you know what those choices would have looked like its a matter of deciding to let go of the ones that you have been living for and living what you believe to be the right way both outcomes exist its a choice. It's a matter of perspective, same situation different angle. You just have to be aware of its presents and allow it to show its self to you, it's with this mindset I explored the darkest part of my self, the bits of myself I was running away from being bi-sexual, my dad killing himself, the situation with my mum, I was scared to feel, so I shut it down I decided to ignore that part of myself doesn’t mean it wasn’t there I just chose to be unaware of it so that feeling you get when you regret a decision I didn’t have as I switched it off, I was proud of the fact to I was solely logical but too much one way is never good. I had so much holding me down this it what just comes while writing, these were neutral things it was the meaning I attached to them that was “negative”, I wonder did anything positive come from any of these? Off the bat accepting I was bi-sexual since I believe it's in all of us, it allowed me to help everyone feel free enough to accept themselves and explore what they know feels right but have never been able to do due to judgment passed by others, I guess its a little like the movies yes man. But once we realize we are all in the same boat let's explore together we are one people if you think about it if we are just made of energy looking past facial features we are simply soles, why don’t we forget race, gender as it's only our physical body that we can define. That being said let's dive a little deeper.

It's the thoughts you identify with that make up your reality, I've thought about killing myself and it was one of the most beautiful times because so much light came from exploring that side of though. The darkness brings the brightest ideas, don’t shame yourself for having a thought, accept it and see why it's there. Even to the point of rapist and children killers, is it possible that they just started to identify with certain thoughts that anyone could get and could take anyone down that path. If instead of identifying with them, thinking something was wrong with yourself for having those thoughts I started to be thankful for them as when I have a dark thought it was a key to looking into the other side things and understanding them as a whole so I felt no shame to talk to people about them, imagine if someone who did a foul act felt okay enough to talk about the thoughts they were having and reflect on what brought them to that and then find the opposite but openly with others not all in that way of thinking. That way they may never had got to the point of feeling like an outsider forcing them to reflect on things silently by physically looking into them because they would have realized they didn’t need to indulge in it its an outcome from a perspective they are in control of. It's very similar to any temptation or addiction, it all depends on the thoughts you identify with, once you know you understand this concept you can let things really be and start being aware of the meanings you attach to things in the moment instead of reacting to things that happen and having to spend time going back. Once you know the outcome you can see the journey.

Imagine everybody in the world gets the same bunch of thoughts thrown at them at the same time over and over all day, now depending on your circumstance and surroundings at the time a different thought will jump out to you than it would someone else because of your focus points. Your focus comes from the meanings you’ve attached to the situations you’ve previously been in. This is why you go back and see what you’re holding on to and why now that you aren’t in the situation you can often see what came from it or why it happened. This will change your attitude towards that situation which in turn helps you deal with new ones better. Focus goes energy flows.

Then at I think aged 7 my mum meets my sister's dad, he was different from what I was used to and brought out a side of my mum id never seen before. It was a strange relationship, it went from being in each other's faces, throwing things, holes being put in the walls ect to like none of it had happened no apology needed. I was so confused about how you could allow someone who was supposed to care, treat you like that, and on the other hand how you could treat someone you cared about like that. It was some good food for thought at a young age, throughout the relationship it was on and off so I was very much involved in supporting my mum, I could see her will deteriorating over time as this guy she cared about broke her down, the strange thing was that he was doing it out of love. Anyways they had my little sister I saw this as an opportunity for them to change and have a chance to really start something with a family, yet none of them changed just expected the same things to give a different result and he ended up passing too which the circumstance is unknown. Another opportunity to experience the death of a close one, really all I see is anyone can die. I remember when my dad died, I asked my mum am I going to loose you as well to which she answered ” I don’t know con, I might, but if I do you have plenty of people who love you.” the reason behind her saying that she could die tomorrow after loosing my dad was because imagine she did die the day after telling she would live forever, who would I trust? This is the type of level upbringing I have had, without these types of values being put in my head at a young age I wouldn’t have had a looking glass most kids didn’t get to use. My mum says she got my teenage years when I was 6, I don’t know as I can’t really remember it to be fair.

So in the mix of all this drama, we don’t have a home we are constantly drifting between friends and family which was helpful as I had a lot of influence from different people from all walks of life. Until we move to my grans and she kicks us out because she can’t get on with my mum, so Lucy and my mum go to live with my sister's gran and due to school, I go to live with my 2 best friends at the time Jack and Sam Blackburn. I learned soo many life lessons here, I realized the importance of washing as my mum never really stressed it they used to call me the smelly kid haha. They had a large field down the road with a bunch of animals so I was involved in heavy amounts of the garden to kitchen dining which was an awesome experience. The main thing was living with 2 boys the same age, it was ace we were constantly playing running around fields, brook walking, making dens and playing sports.

It's easy for me to focus on all the events that occurred but what I'm forgetting to get across is in the mix of all of this madness I was so happy, constantly imagining things making things, going out, and climbing trees. Because we weren’t tied down I had such a free childhood. It was a huge influence on what I've become, yet I always forget to express it as it's not what people usually ask about but imagination is just as real as what you can see, remember your eyes aren’t real, they are a sense so you can see what's going on outside the box you live in. You are actually blind, your eyes make up an image your consciousness can perceive, It an open-eyed imagination I guess it's just that it's someone else imagine not yours.

So moving on I'm living at jack and Sams, im probably 10 maybe 11, every year they do a huge bonfire on their feel for close friends and family then in the morning us 3, and their parents slowly clean up the shit. However, Jack, Sam and I have an unwritten tradition where we play with the fire if it's still lit (usually it's smoking a little.) so we start jumping on it trying to get some oxygen flowing as its smoking a little, eventually, we get it going and started playing again. I was pretending I was an Airbender from avatar at the time I think, pretending to play with the smoke anyway it starts to blow my way and I loose myself in the moment, my imagination takes over and I can’t help but move with the intention of blasting that smoke and fire away, as I fling my arms at the smoke I feel a surge travel up my body flashing through my legs, up my spine and down my arm blasting the smoke away. To which jack said “yo it actually looked like you had powers then.” I just brushed it off as a coincidence with be being outside I just caught the wind at the right time. I forgot about it and went on with the life I wanted to lead.

THE MOMENT I STARTED TO LOOSE MYSELF

So throughout growing up despite my mother's unusual outlook and needs she always made sure I was cared for, from this she always encouraged me to do what felt right making sure I trusted myself over other people but always putting other people's needs above my own. To this day my mum still lives by putting other people before herself in every sense and she is constantly punished for doing so, honestly, she is what some would call a mess. Granted a lot is her own doing as a lot of it is down to perspective, the perspective of which wouldn’t exist had she have not been beaten down and taken advantage of at every time she showed humanities best traits… selflessness and humility instead of changing and becoming like the majority and taking from everyone she would always give, knowing it was the thing that felt right, obviously people are always happy to take so we ended up in a less fortunate situation. - I think the time where she gave up her career because her 4-year-old son said he wanted more of her time and materials didn’t matter. From that day she’s been on the dole constantly home making sure my sister and I are looked after, totally neglecting her own wellbeing.

Coming from a poor background where we didn’t have much due to mum not working, it started to fester a hunger in me for things I didn’t have. I would forever be making game consoles out of cardboard and pretending they were real, basically using my imagination as I had nothing else to play with. This hunger would start to feed my insecurities as they formed while growing up, obviously not aware at the time of happening. Throughout school I was very very carefree, not thinking about how subjects can help me as I knew I didn’t want a normal job they just looked like traps, all I knew was that I wanted to be a millionaire, billionaire anyone I saw that people valued. So as I'm sure you can imagine I was constantly playing up when I was in school, selling loads of sweets ect to make some money as I had to pay for my uniform, my equipment, my lifestyle going out to see friends while also helping my mum with money for electric etc. So I was more focused on that than getting an education, I was usually just doing what my impulses told me and what felt right in the moment ADHD helped me a lot with that so I was never really in my head just going with the moment which I realize now Is one of the keys to a carefree life, my teachers used to get frustrated as I never really showed I cared about the result. My argument was that it's not that I'm not bothered about what I get, it's more about not spending my time stressing as long as I'm taking the steps towards completion why do I have to spend my time thinking about it as well why not enjoy whats going on, you miss things when stressed. Due to having this attitude I didn’t have a crowed I fit in with so I was always drifting between all of the groups, whether it be the nerds, sporty crew, chavs, a year above, a year below, the misfits literally anyone I just always seem to mould with people as I wasn’t looking for things to pick out I was looking for bridges, also with being the class clown and mixing with a lot of people I was what you’d call I guess popular from the outside, the funny thing is I felt lonely because didn’t have anyone person I could always go to. Now that I'm done with setting the background I was about 13 at the time I think, just finished playing football when I went over to sit down with a group of people from my year, there was about 8 of all just chatting when I felt this hand grab mine and start latching on. I looked to my left to see what would become the girl who had the biggest influence on my life so far, Maddi Phillips. Where did this come from I thought, although we speak it was never like that, truthfully I never really looked at anyone that way I was too focused on enjoying the moment to realize I guess. So for the next few months anyways we are getting closer and closer having a lot of laughs, we were in a lot of classes together so it was perfect. I felt we were getting on great when I find out that on the weekend a party occurred I didn’t go to and she started talking to another guy Rory McWilliams, this was a pivotal point in my life as this was when the first of my insecurities would set in. The only memories that really stuck with me from that time are as goes; I ask maddi what it is that is making her think about it so hard, she replies you’re a lot “fitter” than Rory and we get on great it's just that he’s “better looking”, it didn’t upset me, if I'm honest at the time I just heard fitter than him and took comfort in it. The 2nd time was when I had just finished PE and I was in the toilettes when Rory comes in, I'm washing my hands and he states ”you've got a really Jewish nose” never before have I looked at myself in that light before, am I attractive enough by other peoples standards? That moment sat with me until I was about 19 and it wasn’t my self who got me over it, it was validation from others which is the wrong way because it's pitiless haha but it helped me cope for the meantime anyway eventually she chose Rory because I guess he was the one to close her, to explain I was speaking to her for months prior to him being on the radar I was very easy going not possessive I didn’t feel the need to ask if she wanted to be mine because if she did she just would be there because that's what feels right. Apparently I was wrong she needed confirmation in form of a question, I thought her coming over and holding my hand was the commitment but we live and learn. This love triangle would become the burden of my life for a couple of years, I loved her to pieces . The reason for my long-term attachment wasn’t due to her giving me anything it was more to do with the fact she was in all my classes so I couldn’t get away from looking at her, interacting with her and we actually really got on I felt we were constantly laughing, but for her, it was all on a friendship level. For the couple of years that went on, we would get closer until choices in career ect forces you apart. This was the first-ever time I felt like I had to compare myself to others, the first time I didn’t feel like I was enough without this moment though I think it could be argued that I never would have been aware of the things I am to this day because my thoughts wouldn’t be the same. I may have never reached this point so early on, I had real heartache over her and after her, I closed down emotionally to women. It was around this time I met one of my oldest friends Calum, he was another early stepping stone down the path of thinking my looks are what matter and material things are what add value to people's life. Calum and I are still friends to this day although we are very opposite now I never would have become who I am if it wasn’t for the experiences being with him brought, for example I never used to do anything with my hair as he put it “down-syndrome haircut” as you can imagine this imprinted on me to the point where I would spend 15 mins on my hair and use so much hair spray my hair was like a helmet, I was soo focused on looking “perfect” being attractive was the only thing that mattered. It got to the point that I cared so much about my image I would make up lies about things I've done, as I mentioned I grew up In a lot of households so I had friends spread out. As a result, I would spend a lot of my time with people who didn’t go to my school, I looked at it as an opportunity to exaggerate what happened depending on who the story was being told to. This lead to me making up lies about loosing my virginity from a young age, I lived this lie until about 4 years ago I will circle back don’t worry. So the point I'm looking to make is that Calum was my introduction to Pride and Greed and oh boy did I deliver, the more I got away with stories the more I realized it wasn’t about actually doing these things peoples perception is just as good so as long as they think I did it, as I'm sure you can imagine this was a slippery slope although not doing it to the same extent I carried on doing this for years and ended up building a life off it.

Over the next few years, it would be a mix of me drinking, making choices that I would learn from probably my main one being when I was 18, this lesson would turn me away from alcohol I was going out I think a couple of days after my birthday for new years with my mate cal, few guys I know from timperly along with a few girls. At predrinks, I get started by polishing off 3 quarters of a cheap white wine along with a few toaster drinks. By the time we get the cab im pretty hammered we get to Manchester, que up I get refused because I'm so drunk, cal stays out with me and recommends we get some pizza to sober me up I agree and start walking. As I'm strolling I notice the back of the line and that of which looks like a good idea at the time for some reason so I start making my way over, Calum obviously notices a lot than me gets I from and starts to talk to me explaining the original plan. But I persist to walk so cal stops me so I get his hands off and push him, he’s obvs sober and he’s my friend so he goes nowhere he pushes me the next thing I know. I'm getting grabbed from behind so I get this guy off me then his mate starts to get joined in so I get them both off me to the ground and 2 more come over we are all wrestling form a little bit let get me to the ground and start to put handcuffs on me and put me in the back of a van I just burst into tears I can’t believe I'm in this situation was that me it took four grown men to eventually get me to the ground I'm not capable of that, tears continue to pour down my face my cheeks are so blotchy at this point I look I think I look like Freddy cruder. Not to my knowledge while I think about how sorry I am alums outside explaining we are friends we are on a night out he thinks I've been spiked, nothing like that is usually in my nature they take my details to check me out obviously nothing comes up so they let me know and put me in a taxi I hug them all and apologize something goes wrong with the taxi we end up getting out I think I was being a dickhead so night expands I end up breaking my hand my hitting a shutter in anger after that its all a blur I just remember waking up in some room I don’t know its a single bed no cal to be seen, next thing his dad walks in, boy I've never been happier to see a person before he brings me a bottle of water, I reach to take it and I see my hand and start to imagine what the pain would feel like and obviously start to feel it haha as I forgot what happened before that point haha. I didn’t t look into my repressed rage at this point rather I learned that it's an outside substance that opens a part of me that isn’t right for it to explore I should do it my self I still don’t drink as a rule but I might have a couple of parties a year (not my birthday) I like to spend my some of my birthdays away from people have some real-time where I can demand my own time and I meditate and listen to music or sounds. - quick side story I also set an apparent firework off in the school cafeteria on the last day of school, I say apparently because it was actually a firework banger just noise, not flair but you don’t wanna be holding it. The headteacher of that school and me from my prom which was later that day, my nan had already bought me the suit, but she band me as she was new to set the tone. Later do we find out that the same teacher was laundering money from the accounts, those people are in high positions and tend to pass judgment us instruct people that do. Those are the people you let influence you, I say let people influence isn’t bad if you know it's going to help you just learn to filter.

after making them and ultimately in this time I would start to form the belief I am going to be a millionaire and started to attach reasons I thought sounded good to it rather than starting with a cause, I created a cause to give meaning to what I wanted which was money, I didn’t know why I wanted it all I saw was that people with money got women, respect, laughs, didn’t matter what they looked like, it didn’t matter what type of person they were, what they’ve done in the past along as they had a bank balance to compensate. That's the club I wanted to be a member of.

I think it goes without saying these lies followed me, I told everyone the same lie so that it would hold up, this persisted all the way up to getting my first girlfriend Amy which is where they could catch up with me. I was 17 when we met at collage on the bus back home to jacks who I mentioned earlier, I was after her friend Niamh who every guy in the year was after because she was new and pretty sexy, turns out there's a party at the weekend we are both going to we end up chatting there and hitting it off. As I mentioned im go with the flow, I think it was the next day I had a FaceBook message from Amy catching up it led from there until we became official I guess, if I'm honest I wasn’t really into her from the get-go it just kinda happened and I was in the mind frame of seeing what happens. From the get-go we were having problems I'm thinking they were all caused by me, unbeknown to me at the time. Essentially the main root of the problem was that she wasn’t an Instagram model and I wanted to make her know without telling her that she needed to be like that, this on top of the fact she was a virgin and I had lied about sleeping with 3 people to make me look cool it was actually only one but obviously, my pride wouldn’t let me admit I had lied so I persisted with arguments. This kept creeping up throughout the relationship due to her being insecure about it, how could she feel secure with me, when I never made her feel enough due to my constant comparison of insta models. Long story short we were together for 6 years. I genuinely thought she was the one for me, we spoke about the life we wanted and I spent my time chasing it while she was in uni so when she finished we could get a house and start the steps your told is normal and expected. All I was focused on was work, I was working at a tattoo shop for 120 pounds a week starting at 8 am cleaning everything, checking stocks, setting up stations, doing designs, catering for clients through until 6 but my busses home were every 2 hours so ended up being longer. Off this wage, I was helping my mum with bills paying, bus fare, food, buying tattooing equipment (not cheap) and trying to save for what ever it was at the time, and trying to find money to spend on Amy and I'm doing things. She was always understanding as she came from a wealthy backdrop and her uncle had given up his early years so he can start to enjoy the fruits of in now he’s 70 sounds like a life I know, but it's the one I wanted. In the mix of all this, I must admit I was very hard to deal with as I was constantly learning new things and reading trying to become the best version of people. This made me feel better than everyone, almost riotous that I was better because I was trying my upmost to be, to explain I would get up at about 4 start by pretending to meditate, have a hot shower to get clean followed by a 5-minute ice-cold shower. After all, I thought it gave me an edge, id then go on to doing ironing and stuff and getting ready while listening to inspirational videos on successful habits or some bullshit. I was doing all of this because I was obsessed with maximizing my days, getting the most out of every hour, after all, time is money eyy. All of this was to make me feel like I was doing more than the average man so I must be better plus this is what everyone successful do right so I must be successful as a result… surely. It got to the point in the tattooing job where it just wasn’t working anymore I love the industry and the job but I was having a tough time with one of my bosses so I thought It was best I quit and found a different job but… where was going to employ a young lad with no good qualifications? I looked around, I had a friend who had started in sales the year before so I started there and came across a telesales job, I applied and got a call due to my age they were going to say no but going off how I came across on the phone they will give me a shot.

So I go in for the interview, it's in Bolton about 40 mins from my house I was on a Bed at the time so travel took a little bit of time, I finally arrive and my phone is out of battery due to sat nav so how am I going to get back. I'm really sweaty from the ride over too so I wasn’t in the most comfortable of mind frames, so I think to myself I'm an hour early in case I got lost, I have no battery how am I getting home? So I think fuck it I will just ask my interviewer if I can charge my phone there. I get sweaty palms just thinking about walking in there, where I know nobody and to start asking them to do me a favor when I'm only here for an interview. Anyways I hype up myself and run in, on the surface calm and collected but underwater my feet were going like the clappers with anxiety, I introduce myself, let them know my business, and then cut to the chase. I know I'm ridiculously early… explained the situation, so would you mind if I charge my phone? Of course she didn’t mind but I had this lady wandering around the whole office looking for a plug, it wasn’t the biggest company so I had the directors watching this sweaty flustered kid ordering their receptionist around that was supposed to be helping them and I was supposed to be asking this guy for a job. Long story short I get in the room with Rebecca questions and answers flying and it comes to the end and she says, I doubt you’re shocked you’ve got it but not because of what you did in here, you had me before we sat down the balls you had to come into an alien place and treat it like it was your own I like that. You're young you have a lot to work with you’ve got the stuff wed like you here. Another thing to feed my ego and how much better than everyone I am, id like to state me feeling being better than everyone really came from me making my self feel like I wasn’t enough by other peoples standards, so I held my self to the highest regard so nobody opinion could touch me because I've already considered and covered it, I'm just trying to clarify my intention as its what leads me to change further down the line.

So now I'm in the sales industry, long story short I was there for 6 months before being poached to where I work now PHMG. I started at Phmg when I was 21, this was another key point in the creation of Connor. It's where I really gave in to my wants and desires and started to become a person who only cared about the image he created. Everyone in the company is very much this way inclined, in the interview, they state we encourage you to be materialistic. They are very much on the wavelength your bank balance is your value, and I loved it, it was so addictive being in this environment that gave you identity if you did well and ridicule if you didn’t perform. This forced me to indulge in exploring how my belongings could make people think more of me.

To let you know where I was at financially, I was still living with my mum as she needed my support financially and I couldn’t afford to move out and support her so I stayed, so I didn’t really have many outgoings of my own so when I started to earn money I gave no thought to the fact it might stop and started to buy loads of things on finance, I looked at it as I could give them the cash or keep the cash and pay it monthly. So I started to buy 1500 pound watches 3000 watches, spend money on suits, games, in-game currency, rings, money clips, shoes, I even kept 200 pounds in cash that I didn’t use t make me look like I had money. People really started to look at me like wow what is this guy doing, wasn’t hitting the best numbers but I had the best stuff and people loved it. They came to their own conclusion that I must be a drug lord outside of work, its funny what truths people draw up when you leave it to the imagination and perception. The issue I found after a while of this is that its really just a way to make sure that you have to continuously work because something will always need to be paid which in turn causes stress because you can’t help but fix on what needs to be done over what you feel like doing.

This is where things start to get confusing for me, I don’t have any recollection of timings of things it's more like a bunch of events I know I've experienced. I woke up one morning to have a weird feeling like I've lived this day/ time before, the more of that day that went on the more I started to re-recognize things and situations. As it happened more and more I started to think I was going crazy, things like I will remember certain keys on my keyboard being broken then to find out they somehow work now, things had appeared that swore I threw out like a year prior and seeing things that haven’t occurred yet. My most memorable one was after few months of having this happen to me when I was in the cinema with Amy and a trailer popped up I stated on this must be Red Sparrow 2, she just looked and carried on watching then when the tailer finished and it was number 1 I was just as confused as her as I remember that film coming out at least 2 maybe 3 years ago but it was on a trailer before my eyes. It was at this moment I had someone to talk about it with, it wasn’t just me who had experienced it now. I didn’t really know what it was but from what I've been told about me in my younger years I always had what you could call a 6th sense or a strong intuition, so ran with it just kinda went on as normal having a giggle when these moments pooped up.

Then this one occasion I'm wondering down a set of stairs presumably out of a store, a deafening crack occurs and the ground starts to shake my instincts take over and look for the closest place without a roof. I get out and its manic, people running around rioting, army around in the street nobody seems to be shocked by that they are all focusing on something to my right I glance over to see a huge titan type entity crawling out of what I presume was the cause of all the chaos. I start to look for something to get shelter and out of sight from what I just saw. I see an office block and run in for time to process, it skips to being in some sort of ally, and that's it it's over. I really can’t put into words why this resonated with me, it just felt like more than a dream, usually, I would have thought it was a metaphor if it wasn’t for all the other things coming as I've seen them. Regardless of what I feel its all a little overwhelming so I ignore it and forget about it cracking on with life trying, I never told Amy about this one because I felt it was a little far fetch for even me to believe so I'm not gonna waste anyone else time with it.

About 12 months go by in this time I've changed jobs twice, once being a car salesman and 2nd was a window sales rep. in this time I start to dig deeper into what I think I am this time by adding the gym to my belt I've always been athletic but people started to admire people like thor so I started my mission to gain muscle, a journey I started by turning vegan. I know sounds weird however my logic behind it was, due to the dietary needs it will force me to prep my meals meaning I stick to it so that's what I went on doing, counting my calories and going to the gym 6 times a week. I was having a completion with Calum at the time where the person who didn’t hit the calorie make the most over a month had to but the other person a present. My goal was to become 11stone lean, about 8 months went by and I did it, I felt great looked great filled out my clothes, Amy seemed to love me more due to it I guess I was better to look at and comfier. Going to the gym really inflated my ego, peoples reaction who hadn’t seen me in a while always gave me a buzz, I was always getting complimented and congratulated for having the drive to do it and stick to it. All of which was false and just another thing masking my insecurity making it harder for me to let go. Soon the end I hit my goal and just fell back into my old ways of meat-eating not going to the gym because I look how I want to, at this point is when I changed into window sales from car sales. I ended up circling around back to PHMG as it was the best money and least effort, I mean it was super time-consuming and tedious work but there wasn’t much moving involved and it was in a warm office ect. At this point when I decided to go back around this time, I had a flurry of visions, the first one was of this one occasion where I'm wondering down a set of stairs presumably out of a store, a deafening crack occurs and the ground starts to shake my instincts take over and look for the closest place without a roof. I get out and its manic, people running around rioting, army around in the street nobody seems to be shocked by that they are all focusing on something to my right I glance over to see a huge titan type entity crawling out of what I presume was the cause of all the chaos. I start to look for something to get shelter and out of sight from what I just saw. I see an office block and run in for time to process then I realize wait I've had this dream before when I realized that I tried to go into a lucid mode and change things but instead it stopped and I woke up.

Complete Version Here... http://books2read.com/u/4A7DzK